thriving and driving

Anxiety. There. I said it. 

Intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.

Many "feelings" and reactions can occur when one suffers from anxiety, it may also get to the point of: "all consuming" and interfere with our daily lives.

Lexie has had symptoms and suffered from anxiety since I can remember.  As a young child (toddler), our family went to restaurants often, especially on the weekends.  Depending on the restaurant and its atmosphere, Lexie would say: "I have a tummy ache" (regardless of eating anything or not), and mostly just in anticipation (worry) of her environment.  This also would happen when Ben and I would leave her (even with family) and it would also be an issue at school.  Both of our kids are very healthy.  Lexie and Deegan both have had perfect attendance more that most of their school years, have not missed more than 3 days each of school over the past 7 years.  Sure enough, any time a math (Lexie's most struggling subject) test would be approaching... I would get a call from the school secretary that Lexie came to the office not feeling well. We were more than happy when Lexie had the same teacher in 3rd and 4th grade, mainly because her teacher understood and distracted her anxiety (thank you Mrs. Earls/ Punt).

All of these frequent and early signs of anxiety along with other things that one may think are "normal" like cysts on the outer throat and neck as well as "wounds" in the scalp, early acne sections (when she's uses and has been given all the top product for hair and skin) were and are signs that make me feel like a parent lacking empathy and even understanding of her struggles.  I know Ben feels the same.  Looking back I think we both felt lost, and bad for some of the reactions we've had towards Lexie as she struggled:

"are you sure you are washing your face morning and night"

"are you using the tea tree, lavender shampoo and conditioner"

"Oh come on Lexie, stomache ache again, there's nothing wrong with you".

and just the general; "what do you have to worry about?' (as we raise her to have these high standards in life). We are/were doing our share of confusing her.

There's also plenty of times where we actually went to the doctor, ran tests and plenty of times where we chalked it up to pre-teen hormones.

Since this has been a life long journey we also tried to establish "best practices" along the way.

First and foremost was faith in God, because that is the true answer to realizing worry is not your responsibility and doesn't serve a purpose in your well being.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!" Joshua 1:9

In our home, first we seek commandment and covenant with God. How do we live this outloud in a God like manner? We prayed and encouraged her to pray in any moment of worry, to give it all to God. I would find podcasts of preachers addressing anxiety and we would listen together and talk about it. Pray to God. We would also talk about her being honest with herself about what she was "really" feeling.  I see her most relief when she feels like she has been able to talk out and sort through these unknown feelings. 'Oh no mom, my stomache doesn't hurt that way, I am just really 'scared' that it will be noisy in that restaurant, I might not do as well on that test, and dad helped me so much. A & B really make me feel uneasy (deep in my gut)!'

We also tried positive diversions in areas that she was comfortable (we will talk about that more when we get to the Volleyball part), but ultimately, as a parent, I could never understand or emphathize with her illness until I began to suffer with it myself as an adult.

The difference with adults and anxiety (which often associates with depression) is we (too) have a hard time coming to terms with it, admitting it, or recognizing it.  Especially if we have gone decades without it being a concern in our daily lives, or us realizing the symptoms. It might sneak up in ways that affect our body systems just like the children (my child) that suffer with it.  We might just go on thinking that we are experiencing another "stress" and its taking a toll on our body with an infection or minor medical abnormality.  To me, I would say; "Oh 6 weeks of a period is just my body responding to stress". or "Im feeling this way because I am graduating college and getting married to the love of my life, the same weekend (the things we subject ourselves too).  But if we all start to add in the things that make us "uneasy", and we start to "feel" our emotions a little more, we might recognize something different. And, in my research with adult anxiety and depression I did learn that the onset of it may be caused by a signifigant change in your life.  If that change has factors that are out of your control or make you feel like you have let others down and can not or will not be able to handle things yourself (make it better)… well we can probably stop there. Because if you know me, you know I love taking care of others and Ive gone a good deal of my life being a "boss lady" so stepping out of that role along with having unforeseen circumstances along the way, put me in a spiral that I was not able to recognize.  The moment school ended last year, I had gone from giving finals to 250 students (and grades) and coaching 4 crossfit classes those last 2 weeks during the end of the school year, to a week of absolutely nothing. no coaching, no teaching, nothing lined up.  The lack of productivity when I thrive on a "purpose" for other's was literally maddening. As other stuff went on around me that I couldn't involve myself with (to make any magic) I felt disgusted.  I laid in bed and couldn't get up.  I had a constant feeling in my gut of dropping on a rollercoaster. All I did was worry about how I had zero ability to "help" others and how I wasn't doing my job (fulfilling my purpose) and how I couldn't (as much as I wished I could).  I felt so useless. I had panik attacks and major breathing issues, like I couldn't even come up for air.  I even hid some of this stuff from the doctor as I would only share the medical changes that were happening with my body yet he still managed to prescribe me "crazy pills".

That's all I needed.  In a sense that; "I don't take drugs" so... I let him write up that RX (knowing full well I would never, ever go near the pharmacy) as  I sucked back the tears and cried for days.  I knew I had to report back to the doctor in 2 weeks.. I knew I had work to do in order to "improve" without medication.

So I looked to find the one productive thing  I could do, that was in my control.  Our garage was still a disaster from moving in 3 years prior and just "life".  So I rented a storage, and day by day worked on my garage as a satisfying way of making a mess, better and more useful, to feel more "worth" via my personal efforts.  I love to decorate too, I love to workout, so in the hot summer I also made a small garage gym.  I also know that I have always been the queen of "too much" so I narrowed down my focus to things that are unchanging and in my control. Like the health and well being of my children and husband.  This is exactly why we ended up here, I don't want to be that mom and wife that gives it all to everyone "else".  I want to give it all to being a mom and wife and if others can appreciate my professional efforts along the way, that can be great too!

That timing, that moment led me to a very quick conversation with my sister's high school volleyball coach who runs a club organization. I had previously been a part of a different club whom I absolutely love and adore. Its hard to sacrifice my severe loyalty, but you will do anything for your child to help get them to a place of comfort and happiness.  The smaller- quitter setting has been great for Lexie. I don't have to worry about following her into the bathroom so I could hold her hair while she blows chunks (from all the volleyball players and noise), and she is loving the camaraderie with great girls.  She is thriving in an atmosphere with me as her coach, sharing my background and experience with her, and I don't quite get it, but she thinks her mom is God's gift to coaching.

(the above part was written 12/6/18)

Things have changed in our volleyball experience (different blog), from what I drafted at the end of 2018. Which is unfortunate for both Lexie and I, and the strides both of us were trying to make in our anxiety and depression.  But we have Jesus, a whole lot of faith and hope and we are driving to succeed and over-come the mess of this world.

We are stronger!